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For those of you who haven’t read the news about the collapse of the Soviet empire, I’d like to take a minute and explain that 1) the country we all grew up calling “Czechoslovakia” is officially gone and dead, and 2) the two countries that were born from its demise – the Czech Republic and, you guessed it, Slovakia – are both absolutely worth seeing in their own right. Especially their capitals.

Now, I’m sure you’ve heard how wonderful Prague is and how cheap it is and all that bullshit. Many of us know somebody who knows somebody who went to live there and now teaches English whenever he’s not drinking too much Becherovka and swearing about Gypsies. And that guy’s right. The fucking place rocks. With the proper guidance, it can be cheap, exhilarating, fun and downright otherworldly.

The only problem is that, judging from the ten billion tourists taking pictures of the main square’s Astronomical Clock every hour on the hour, it can get a little crowded. The cat’s obviously out of the bag. Way out of the bag. So far out of the bag you wonder if it was ever really in the bag.

So here’s a little secret that may come in handy:

Bratislava rules too.

Why? So glad you asked.

Reason #1 Why Bratislava Rules: You can have the old town square to yourself at night. That’s right, I said it. The quaint old town square of a European capital, at about 11 o’clock in the evening, and it’s pretty much just yours. Hello romance! Hello bottle of beer in a paper bag! Hello beautiful old buildings with appropriate lighting! Try it.

Reason #2: They appreciate naked women and frolicking. Look at this statue. It’s naked women frolicking. FROLICKING. That kind of thing isn’t supposed to fly. I can’t figure out which part is worse, the nudity or the happiness. Statues are supposed to be sober, tense and ugly. Military battles and monuments to disaster, that kind of thing. To make matters soooo much worse, this isn’t even located in some counterculture park or bastion of liberal values, but on the grounds of the presidential palace. WHICH IS OPEN TO THE PUBLIC.

While we’re on the subject of statues, I’m going to point out that Bratislava really seems to dig bizarre ones. First there’s one for the paparazzi, then there’s one for what appears to be a Keebler elf, and finally, there’s a dirty old man emerging from the sewers. Have you bought your plane ticket yet? What more could you need?

Reason #3: How about cheap food and beer? I know you and your cheap-ass buddies have heard that Eastern Europe is the mecca for inexpensive wining and dining, but news flash, Prague is expensive if you don’t know somebody local, Budapest will probably be expensive even if you do, and the U.S. dollar is sinking like a bowling bowl in a pond of chocolate pudding. Yet, yet….once upon a time in Bratislava (2008) a mid-twenties couple (my girlfriend and I) sat down for dinner with appetizers and six or seven beers apiece (OK, eight) at a fairly trendy rock and roll bar and the tab at the end of the night came to…..about $40. Tickets!

What more do you want? How about a castle?

How about a massive Soviet bridge leading to housing tracts across the river?

How about the rare feeling (at least in Europe) that you’re somewhere that’s still a work in progress?

Reason #812 to go? It’s close to everything. Bratislava and Vienna are about an hour from each other by train and as such are the closet capitals in the entire world. Budapest is only about four hours way. The Czech Republic, Croatia, even Italy are all easily within a day’s distance. Do it!